How I Fixed My 1 on 1 Meetings

First thing you hear as a new Engineering Manager is "You should have regular 1:1s with your team." Sounds simple!

Well, not really.

For the first year, my 1:1 meetings were awkward and unproductive. We'd talk about project status for fifteen minutes, sit in uncomfortable silence for five, then both leave, feeling like we'd wasted our time.

And when the schedule got tight and deadlines were pressing, 1:1 meetings were often the ones that got cancelled to "focus on work." A big mistake that bit me hard as a result.

Reality Check

The reality caught up with me at one of our retrospectives (that was, of course, rescheduled several times). Issues poured out from my team. Overworked, stressed with the deadlines, not understanding what our goal was, feeling lost and detached from the company and from me as their manager. And they did point out that we didn't really have a chance to talk about it because our 1:1s were useless and kept getting cancelled.

And I was... surprised. I wasn't aware of all those issues. I was convinced that we were okay. Sure, there was pressure, but we were moving forward, standups were smooth, no major issues. Clearly, I was wrong. And I'd failed to recognise the incoming storm. I'd failed to connect with my team.

In retrospect, I don't think I knew what 1:1 meetings were for. I was just cargo-culting what other managers were doing.

"You need to have 1:1s with your team." Okay, so I did. But what's next?

After that dreadful retro, I sat down and asked myself: "Why do I do 1:1 meetings? What's the purpose? What's the expected outcome? And how can I fix them?

I needed to figure it out if I wanted to fix my team.

Why Are 1:1s Important?

Inevitably, as a manager, I manage people. At least until all of us get replaced by AI. And people are wonderful, chaotic, and emotional creatures. Yes, even computer nerds. They want to feel that their manager cares about them, their work, and their growth.

Regular, well-prepared, and executed one-on-one meetings are the best tool for doing that.

In the everyday grind, it's easy to forget about personal relationships and the human aspect of our work. Pressing deadlines, timelines, KPIs, and corporate shitstorms all get more attention and create more noise. A personal touch is lost. Regular 1:1s scheduled in my calendar remind me that there's a time and place to focus on the people in my team. To give them care and attention.

At its core, the one-on-one meeting is about having personalised conversations with my team members. I think of this meeting as a strategic timeout, a quality time I spend together, focusing only on them, their work, and problems.

These meetings are where I build trust. Where I catch problems early. Where I help people grow. Where I stay connected to what's really happening in my team.

In fact, according to Gallup, meaningful weekly conversations are the most effective way for managers to influence employee engagement. According to Harvard Business Review research, employees who don't have regular 1:1 meetings with their managers are four times more likely to be disengaged and two times more likely to view leadership more unfavourably compared to those who meet with their managers regularly.

When the meetings are done well, they're one of the most powerful tools in the manager's toolbox. They can make a team's day-to-day activities more efficient and better, build trust and psychological safety, and improve employees' well-being, motivation, and engagement at work.

How I Run 1:1s - Opinionated Handbook

For such an important topic, there's a surprising lack of consensus on how to run 1:1 meetings properly. What's even more surprising: hardly any company provides their managers with a template or guidance on how to run them. As a result, managers try to do their best but make mistakes and fall into all possible traps along the way. As I did back in the day.

Every company is different, and every person is unique in their own way. But based on my years of experience as an engineering leader and lessons learned from my mistakes, I've created this opinionated handbook on how to prepare and run 1:1 meetings as a manager.

It's designed to work in most of the situations you'll face. It targets 1:1s with your direct reports and will guide you step by step on how to set up, run, and manage your 1:1 meetings for maximum efficiency. Enjoy!

How To Run Effective 1:1 Meetings - Opinionated Runbook

After failing my team with useless 1:1s, I built a framework that actually works: weekly meetings, team-driven agendas, and four key topics to cover every time. No more awkward silences or status updates. Just real conversations that build trust and catch problems early.

ManagerStories.co - Engineering Leadership Made RealDamian Sosnowski

New Beginning

I didn't want to surprise my team with a sudden change and a new framework out of the blue, so I was upfront about it. I told them I wanted to shake up how we did our 1:1s, walked them through the new runbook, and explained what I was hoping to achieve.

Like any big change, it took us all a minute to get into the flow. The trickiest part was getting my reports to really own the meetings and drive the agenda themselves. That mental shift proved to be a bigger challenge than I expected.

But eventually, it worked.

My team started showing up prepared. They brought real topics, real concerns, real questions. Suddenly, our 1:1s felt purposeful instead of just another calendar filler. We were actually discussing and solving problems that mattered.

The best part, though, was watching the relationship change. Trust deepened. They started bringing me problems earlier instead of letting them fester. They asked for feedback more openly. The whole dynamic just felt more honest and productive.

It's Still Not Perfect

I'm not claiming I've mastered this. Different people need different things. Some are naturally chatty and will fill every minute. Others are more reserved, and I have to work harder to draw them out.

After a few weeks with each person, I ask directly: "Is this working for you? What could we do differently?" I've adjusted frequency, changed question styles, and shifted focus based on their feedback.

And I still make mistakes. Sometimes I slip back into status-update mode. Sometimes I dominate the conversation when I should be listening. Sometimes I cancel a meeting when I really shouldn't. (Though much less often now.)

The key is being willing to experiment and iterate. What works for one person might not work for another. What works today might not work in six months. Stay flexible. Stay curious.

Start Tomorrow

If your 1:1s aren't working, or if you're not having them at all, it's time for a change.

Pick one team member, or one of your teams, and use my runbook to run new one-on-one meetings the proper way. You won't get it perfect on the first try. Neither did I. But you'll get better with practice. And your team will notice the effort.

That's all it takes to start: a good framework, a commitment to show up, listen genuinely, and make your people feel seen.

The rest will follow.